The Rain Effect

I gathered the essentials in my little bag: sunglasses, water, magazine, phone, snack, pen and paper. I dodged the dogs and headed to my spot. I went down the steps of the deck slowly, and got the seat cushion out of storage so I could soak up some sun. I didn't put up the umbrella because when I look up I get dizzy. It actually is a funny sight watching me try to put the umbrella up. I try to put the pin in the hole before I fall over. It's like a game. And, since I'm not quite tall enough, I have to stand on the uneven sloped umbrella stand which makes it even more of a challenge. Then, I get to laughing at myself which makes matters worse. So, hence, I left the umbrella as it was.

I read for a bit then curled up, got super comfortable and started to doze. At precisely that moment, the threatening gray clouds moved between me and the sun and dropped a teasing drip here and there. It was just enough to make me have to decide to either stay or go back inside. I opted to stay. As the drips became steadier, I put the cushion away, and took cover on my canopied swing. I stretched out across the swing so that nothing would get wet. Then I just watched the rain.

It got increasingly heavier and I sat hoping that the wind wouldn't shift. I watched as water filled the cracks between the brick pavers. I listened to the drops hit the leaves on the trees. I truly enjoyed sitting out there being able to watch the rain at such a close vantage point. When the rain stopped a few minutes later, I was disappointed.

I normally wish for sun, but today, I'm glad it rained.

I am grateful for: the rain, my swing, and God.

Thought Control

As I wallowed in self pity today, it became clear to me that I was in serious need of thought control. I was allowing all of the negative thoughts associated with my maladies to infiltrate my brain. And, they were spreading their tentacles to my feet, my hands, my eating, and to my attitude. I was very grumpy today. Everything felt awful to the point that I skipped going to a party that I was looking forward to.

However, it's one thing to know that you have to change your thought, and an entirely other thing to know how and what to do to change thought. At first I tried to just lie still and think good things. That was ok for about five seconds. Then, affirmations came to mind. I wrote out eight affirmations. Things like "I feel healthy" and "I have loads of energy". Then, I typed each one of them twenty times while saying them out loud. My mood definitely changed.

I also made sure that I didn't skip my meditations this evening. I believe that has a lot to do with good thoughts.

Today I appreciate: quiet time, Steve, and my brother.

At my wits end

I've been dealing with abdominal pain for a few weeks. It isn't constant, but it is annoying and can get pretty bad. I mean I couldn't even shop for shoes. I had to leave the store. How awful!

So, on Monday, one of my doctors told me the cramps were due to lack of food and calories. This surprised me because although I don't eat a lot, I do eat something for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Could I really be that depleted?

So today I thought I did ok drinking water and eating, but then I got sick after dinner. Now what? It is hard enough finding things that I want to eat, and to have it not stay down is frustrating. Fortunately, right after I get sick is my prime time to eat something, so I did. I ate bran muffins.

Do I need to see a gastroenterologist? I'm not even sure what they do. I'm not exactly sure what to do next. I really don't want another doctor, but this is ridiculous. It feels like I am caught in a vicious cycle and I can't get out.

I am grateful for: my kids, sunny days, my computer.

Newton Determination

I bought my first Mac computer in 1989. And shortly after, I became an avid reader of Mac World. I read all of the reviews and kept informed about new gadgets in the computer field. Around 1993 I learned about a new product that Apple was marketing. The Newton. The first moment I read about it, I knew I would have one. They cost around $800 but that didn't deter me, it only delayed me. They were the first tablet computers and the first PDAs. And that was before a PDA was a computing category.

It was 1998 when I finally got my very own Newton. It was the coolest thing ever. I never thought for a minute that I wouldn't eventually have one. I didn't do any kind of visualization to help in receiving it, but yet I probably thought about having it so often that I never gave up the desire.

And that's what I believe I can do with my health. If I want to be healthy, I can be. If I could stop dwelling on the little setbacks it would be easy. Of course, I'd like it if the setbacks would go away.

Today, I met Sandy at Ritas which was an effort, but the sugar gave me some energy for the rest of the day. I was able to keep it down, which I wasn't able to do with food I ate earlier in the day. I am determined to feel good and to get healthy. By the end of the day, after being able to eat a decent sized dinner I cleaned up the kitchen and finished the laundry. I felt amazing.

By the way I write my blogs from an Apple iPad. Their second tablet computer.

Today I am grateful for Apple, Ritas, and summer days.

The little things

I started off the day with such a lack of energy that i seriously wondered how I was going to get to the end of the day. It was a chore to move. And of course I hadn't brought any lunch so I had to go get something.

I called in my lunch order to Isaac's Deli and arrived just as it was supposed to be ready. As I pulled into the spot marked Take-out only, I was very grateful there was such a thing. Right then my left foot's toes decided to lock up.

Sometimes with neurapathy, a Charlie-horse type cramp settles into my toes so that moving them is not going to happen. I took off my shoe and sock and gently tried to coax my toes into moving. After what seemed like forever, I was able to stand and go get my food.

Since I was feeling wiped out, I had ordered the Twisted Chicken. It is a warm sandwich with a piece of chicken breast, spinach, tomato, and mustard sauce on a pretzel roll. It was perfect for me. I've had no appetite lately, but I was able to eat half of it.

The energy boost I got from eating was noticeable and I was able to finish the work I had intended to complete. Again I was grateful.

In the middle of the day, I started to get what I call "blurry lines". It is like my visual field is cut by a line of blurriness. Yet another side effect. So the last time this had happened, I ate a few pieces of chocolate and it immediately went away. So, obviously, I tried chocolate again and it worked immediately. I was thrilled. I wish everything was that easy.

So today I am grateful for: SECCO, food, and chocolate.

Freedom extended

Upon returning from Maine, I found myself extremely stressed thinking about chemo starting again in only a few days. I haven't felt nearly as well as I thought I would after two months of no chemo. So I decided to meet with my doctor and ask her some questions that I hadn't known to ask during my last appointment. I really only expected to be able to talk over the phone for a few minutes so I was surprised when her office called and asked if I could come in.

I knew that she was on vacation last week so she must have been swamped this week. Regardless, she spent close to an hour with me yesterday morning. I went by myself and went down my list one by one. We addressed my side effects first and then my questions about alternative therapies. I may be able to have immune therapy, but I'm not a candidate for freezing my tumors. She is open to mixing alternative and traditional therapy which I am grateful for.

The best news was that I can delay chemo for up to 3 months if I choose to. I don't wnt to delay it that far, but I do want to have more time to get stronger and put on more weight.

One point that she did make extremely clear was that I need to have as little stress as possible. And how to achieve that one? There is my homework. I think I'll go back to Maine.

Today I am grateful for: good doctors, freedom, my support team.

Ever get a feeling?

Have you ever gotten a strong feeling that you were supposed to do something? Or you may feel that you've received messages of sorts that are prompting you to take some sort of action.

I believe that I've been receiving messages that I am supposed to spend more time in nature. Now before I go any further, let me tell you that I am not a tree-hugger. I love trees, don't get me wrong. And I'll even hug them, but I don't yearn to be under them or in them every day. I get squeamish at most bugs, couldn't handle a snake, and have gone camping three times in my adult life.

So last year is when it started. My sister started talking about getting an RV and ever since then, I have wanted an RV. Even though I don't quite know what I would do with one if I actually had one.

Last spring I read a book titled Perfect Health by Deepak Chopra that talked about a woman being healed after she spent time in nature. Right away I started to make plans to go to Maine this summer. While I was in Maine, I felt fabulous. We walked and did things "in nature" every day. And, interestingly, I haven't felt that great since coming home.

And then today I was reading a book about Chokras and to balance both the red and the orange chokras, the book suggested spending time in nature.

So I believe I am getting a message of some kind and I plan to take nature-walks as much as possible. I'm not quite sure what else to do. Anyone have an RV for sale?


Today I am grateful for my sister, summer, and trees.