Changes

Several years ago, I read a book that talked about the benefits of meditating.  I tried to incorporate it into a routine, and succeeded for a few months.  Last year, I started doing it again, but I was lucky if I could last five minutes a day.  I always felt like I wasn't doing it right.  I tried to clear my mind, and a thought would sneak in and I would dwell on it for a few moments until I realized that I needed to concentrate on breathing.  

Today, I meditate twice a day and have for 24 days which according to some people means that it is now a habit.  Most days, I can meditate for 30 minutes per session, but sometimes it is only for five minutes.  24 days ago, I was attending a program called Perfect Health at the Chopra Center near San Diego.  It was a fabulous week and I learned about Ayurveda Healing.  One of the tenets is meditation and I committed to doing it then.  They taught us to ignore any thoughts that came to mind, and to ignore distractions.  And, just be comfortable. 

Another aspect of Ayurveda is the way it teaches you to choose your food.  At every meal, you are to choose something from the six taste groups:  sweet, salty, bitter, sour, pungent, and astringent.  The point is so that you feel satisfied and aren't craving a missing taste.  I thought it made a lot of sense, and easily justifies my need for dessert.  Yay!  I'm not great about getting every taste at every meal, but I'm working on it.  I'm also working on the daily routines.  Get up early, eat lunch between 12 and 1, and dinner around 6.    Not easy. 

But, if I want to see changes in my health, I need to make changes.  And, stick to 'em. 


Today I was grateful for: my children's busy schedules and that they need me, clean laundry, and FileMaker databases.

Believing

Prior to 2011, I attracted the number one.  I always seemed to notice the clock when it was 1:11 or 11:11.  If I stayed in a hotel, the room number was something like 1011.  I would notice when the minister read from Chapter 11, verse 11.  Every Friday, I worked at a client's address that was 1111 and the zip code was 17011.  So when the calendar turned to 2011, I believed this would be my year.  I should have known that I was way off since on January 11, I had a surgery that made me sick for a month. 

Of course, I don't know what I believed would actually happen this year, but I was sure it would be something amazing.  Maybe I wasn't specific enough.  Tomorrow is June 30th.  We are halfway through the year.  And, the first half may have been a challenge, but I believe I will sail through the rest of the year and that I will be cancer-free by the end of the year. 

Today, I knew that I was close to being back to normal because I wished for a brief moment that I wasn't leaving for vacation in a week, and that I could stay and work.  And, I resolved to bring work with me.  I've always enjoyed going to work much more than my vacations.  But when I'm not feeling up to par, I feel a lot of pressure about working.  When I feel good, it is easy to believe that I am healthy.  And, when I tell myself every day that I am healthy, the belief gets stronger.  Its an interesting cycle.  I think I'll re-read the wonderful book, The Magic of Believing by Claude M. Bristol.   

Conversations

Today, I felt great and normal - whatever normal means - that it was easy to forget that I might have anything going on.  I went to work, accomplished a few things around the house, and stopped in to see my parents.  That's when my Aunt called.  When she discovered that I was there, she wanted to talk to me and see how my scan results turned out.  (She is about as far from Facebook as you can imagine.)  A well-meaning soul, she proceeded to talk to me about anyone and everyone that has ever had cancer.  In fact, I swear she made up a few.  It may sound hypocritical, but I just didn't really want to hear it.  I felt so helpless.  After we hung up, that's all I thought about. 

It is so easy to allow your thoughts to veer off-track.  And, as I constantly work on keeping my thoughts on a positve track, I am careful what I find myself listening to.  I purposely don't watch tv and I especially avoid the news.  During the conversation I did find out about a distant cousin of mine (a six year old boy) who has a brain tumor, and has for a long time.  I've never met him, but something is telling me that I should try to meet him.  I'm curious what goes through his mind on a daily basis.  Is he ever able to shut it out?  Or do the adults around him keep reminding him unintentionally?

 

Touched

I am truly touched by the sheer volume of people out there who care about me.  It is very humbling.  I appreciate each and every one.  I am grateful for the prayers and the positive vibes. 

So, today I tried to call a foot reflexologist, and didn't get anywhere.  I left a message.  If anyone knows someone personally, please let me know.  I also got the name of  a nutritionist so that I can gain some weight without being tempted to eat all donuts and Reese's Peanut Butter cups.  I'm secretly hoping that I can find someone who is willing to come to my house and cook for me and my family every night.  Oh, and that insurance will pay for it. 

All in all, a great normal day.  Go to work, come home, eat dinner, have a nice evening and go to bed.  Aahhh - very nice.  

Sunday June 26

I'm trying to explore new methods of healing and when I went to California a few weeks ago, I learned about chokras.  I discovered that my Sacral chokra is out of whack.  There are various things you can do to help get your chokra back into balance. balance? alignment? um I'm not sure what the word is supposed to be - back into whack?  Whatever...  so I've been more in tune to the color orange which is the color vibration for that particular chokra.  I'm looking for an orange glass water bottle.   

And, last night I even said the chant “Vam” for the Sacral chokra.  Well, i didn't say the chant, I chanted the chant.  I think I did anyway.  I'm not totally sure how a chant is supposed to sound.  I did it for about ten minutes when I was in the car by myself.  I felt utterly ridiculous.  Oh well- if it works, it’s all good.

Thanks for the ideas everyone!  I appreciate getting them.  Keep 'em coming!  I will kick this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Day 3 after scan results

It is starting out as a nice day.  Saturdays often invoke upbeat feelings for me.  Especially sunny summer ones.  It is three days since I found out the results of my CT scan.  What a roller coaster week!  The cancer isn't gone, but the tumors are less numerous, and they have reduced in size.  So the second horrible five months of chemo that I just went through is working, but apparently I need more horrible months of chemo.  Okay, I know that I should be thankful that it works.  And, it is better than being told that there's nothing more they can do.  BUT - I really didn't want to go through more chemo.  The doctor is reducing my dosage slightly so that I don't have to have three days of infusion per treatment, just two.  And, she is changing the drug so that I won't be sick constantly and I won't have such strong neuropathy.  And, I won't have to have three days of IV fluids after each week of treatment.  So those are all good things.  And, I don't have to start it up again until August. 
   That means in July, I plan to explore alternative methods.  If anyone knows of anything (that isn't painful) please let me know.  I'm already working on Ayurvedic healing and I plan to visit a Reiki master.  We'll see how all of this goes.