The Rain Effect

I gathered the essentials in my little bag: sunglasses, water, magazine, phone, snack, pen and paper. I dodged the dogs and headed to my spot. I went down the steps of the deck slowly, and got the seat cushion out of storage so I could soak up some sun. I didn't put up the umbrella because when I look up I get dizzy. It actually is a funny sight watching me try to put the umbrella up. I try to put the pin in the hole before I fall over. It's like a game. And, since I'm not quite tall enough, I have to stand on the uneven sloped umbrella stand which makes it even more of a challenge. Then, I get to laughing at myself which makes matters worse. So, hence, I left the umbrella as it was.

I read for a bit then curled up, got super comfortable and started to doze. At precisely that moment, the threatening gray clouds moved between me and the sun and dropped a teasing drip here and there. It was just enough to make me have to decide to either stay or go back inside. I opted to stay. As the drips became steadier, I put the cushion away, and took cover on my canopied swing. I stretched out across the swing so that nothing would get wet. Then I just watched the rain.

It got increasingly heavier and I sat hoping that the wind wouldn't shift. I watched as water filled the cracks between the brick pavers. I listened to the drops hit the leaves on the trees. I truly enjoyed sitting out there being able to watch the rain at such a close vantage point. When the rain stopped a few minutes later, I was disappointed.

I normally wish for sun, but today, I'm glad it rained.

I am grateful for: the rain, my swing, and God.

Thought Control

As I wallowed in self pity today, it became clear to me that I was in serious need of thought control. I was allowing all of the negative thoughts associated with my maladies to infiltrate my brain. And, they were spreading their tentacles to my feet, my hands, my eating, and to my attitude. I was very grumpy today. Everything felt awful to the point that I skipped going to a party that I was looking forward to.

However, it's one thing to know that you have to change your thought, and an entirely other thing to know how and what to do to change thought. At first I tried to just lie still and think good things. That was ok for about five seconds. Then, affirmations came to mind. I wrote out eight affirmations. Things like "I feel healthy" and "I have loads of energy". Then, I typed each one of them twenty times while saying them out loud. My mood definitely changed.

I also made sure that I didn't skip my meditations this evening. I believe that has a lot to do with good thoughts.

Today I appreciate: quiet time, Steve, and my brother.

At my wits end

I've been dealing with abdominal pain for a few weeks. It isn't constant, but it is annoying and can get pretty bad. I mean I couldn't even shop for shoes. I had to leave the store. How awful!

So, on Monday, one of my doctors told me the cramps were due to lack of food and calories. This surprised me because although I don't eat a lot, I do eat something for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Could I really be that depleted?

So today I thought I did ok drinking water and eating, but then I got sick after dinner. Now what? It is hard enough finding things that I want to eat, and to have it not stay down is frustrating. Fortunately, right after I get sick is my prime time to eat something, so I did. I ate bran muffins.

Do I need to see a gastroenterologist? I'm not even sure what they do. I'm not exactly sure what to do next. I really don't want another doctor, but this is ridiculous. It feels like I am caught in a vicious cycle and I can't get out.

I am grateful for: my kids, sunny days, my computer.

Newton Determination

I bought my first Mac computer in 1989. And shortly after, I became an avid reader of Mac World. I read all of the reviews and kept informed about new gadgets in the computer field. Around 1993 I learned about a new product that Apple was marketing. The Newton. The first moment I read about it, I knew I would have one. They cost around $800 but that didn't deter me, it only delayed me. They were the first tablet computers and the first PDAs. And that was before a PDA was a computing category.

It was 1998 when I finally got my very own Newton. It was the coolest thing ever. I never thought for a minute that I wouldn't eventually have one. I didn't do any kind of visualization to help in receiving it, but yet I probably thought about having it so often that I never gave up the desire.

And that's what I believe I can do with my health. If I want to be healthy, I can be. If I could stop dwelling on the little setbacks it would be easy. Of course, I'd like it if the setbacks would go away.

Today, I met Sandy at Ritas which was an effort, but the sugar gave me some energy for the rest of the day. I was able to keep it down, which I wasn't able to do with food I ate earlier in the day. I am determined to feel good and to get healthy. By the end of the day, after being able to eat a decent sized dinner I cleaned up the kitchen and finished the laundry. I felt amazing.

By the way I write my blogs from an Apple iPad. Their second tablet computer.

Today I am grateful for Apple, Ritas, and summer days.

The little things

I started off the day with such a lack of energy that i seriously wondered how I was going to get to the end of the day. It was a chore to move. And of course I hadn't brought any lunch so I had to go get something.

I called in my lunch order to Isaac's Deli and arrived just as it was supposed to be ready. As I pulled into the spot marked Take-out only, I was very grateful there was such a thing. Right then my left foot's toes decided to lock up.

Sometimes with neurapathy, a Charlie-horse type cramp settles into my toes so that moving them is not going to happen. I took off my shoe and sock and gently tried to coax my toes into moving. After what seemed like forever, I was able to stand and go get my food.

Since I was feeling wiped out, I had ordered the Twisted Chicken. It is a warm sandwich with a piece of chicken breast, spinach, tomato, and mustard sauce on a pretzel roll. It was perfect for me. I've had no appetite lately, but I was able to eat half of it.

The energy boost I got from eating was noticeable and I was able to finish the work I had intended to complete. Again I was grateful.

In the middle of the day, I started to get what I call "blurry lines". It is like my visual field is cut by a line of blurriness. Yet another side effect. So the last time this had happened, I ate a few pieces of chocolate and it immediately went away. So, obviously, I tried chocolate again and it worked immediately. I was thrilled. I wish everything was that easy.

So today I am grateful for: SECCO, food, and chocolate.

Freedom extended

Upon returning from Maine, I found myself extremely stressed thinking about chemo starting again in only a few days. I haven't felt nearly as well as I thought I would after two months of no chemo. So I decided to meet with my doctor and ask her some questions that I hadn't known to ask during my last appointment. I really only expected to be able to talk over the phone for a few minutes so I was surprised when her office called and asked if I could come in.

I knew that she was on vacation last week so she must have been swamped this week. Regardless, she spent close to an hour with me yesterday morning. I went by myself and went down my list one by one. We addressed my side effects first and then my questions about alternative therapies. I may be able to have immune therapy, but I'm not a candidate for freezing my tumors. She is open to mixing alternative and traditional therapy which I am grateful for.

The best news was that I can delay chemo for up to 3 months if I choose to. I don't wnt to delay it that far, but I do want to have more time to get stronger and put on more weight.

One point that she did make extremely clear was that I need to have as little stress as possible. And how to achieve that one? There is my homework. I think I'll go back to Maine.

Today I am grateful for: good doctors, freedom, my support team.

Ever get a feeling?

Have you ever gotten a strong feeling that you were supposed to do something? Or you may feel that you've received messages of sorts that are prompting you to take some sort of action.

I believe that I've been receiving messages that I am supposed to spend more time in nature. Now before I go any further, let me tell you that I am not a tree-hugger. I love trees, don't get me wrong. And I'll even hug them, but I don't yearn to be under them or in them every day. I get squeamish at most bugs, couldn't handle a snake, and have gone camping three times in my adult life.

So last year is when it started. My sister started talking about getting an RV and ever since then, I have wanted an RV. Even though I don't quite know what I would do with one if I actually had one.

Last spring I read a book titled Perfect Health by Deepak Chopra that talked about a woman being healed after she spent time in nature. Right away I started to make plans to go to Maine this summer. While I was in Maine, I felt fabulous. We walked and did things "in nature" every day. And, interestingly, I haven't felt that great since coming home.

And then today I was reading a book about Chokras and to balance both the red and the orange chokras, the book suggested spending time in nature.

So I believe I am getting a message of some kind and I plan to take nature-walks as much as possible. I'm not quite sure what else to do. Anyone have an RV for sale?


Today I am grateful for my sister, summer, and trees.

Back home

I was welcomed home yesterday by the glorious Pennsylvania heat. You may think I'm being sarcastic, but oh no, I'm completely sincere. I've always been one to get cold easily and to be able to withstand hot summers without air conditioning. But since chemo caused severe anemia, I'm pretty much always cold. I often wear multiple layers even in summer. I wore a lightweight sweater into work today. So I really enjoy days like today.

For Christmas last year, my sister gave me a pair of penguin footie pajamas. I wore them into May. Sometimes with a t-shirt underneath and a sweatshirt over them.

Speaking of sweatshirts, we all wore them last week during our vacation in Maine. It was beautiful weather, just a little chilly at night. My mother had advised me to take my winter coat. I didn't. I should've.

I really am surprised at how good I felt while I was there. The healing and strengthening was fabulous. I developed an appetite finally. And one day I walked over two miles. We didn't have any cell service or Internet service at our cottage which meant that I was forced to completely disconnect. I've never done that before but it was probably just what I needed.

Today I am grateful for: the heat, my office staff, and my own bed.

Traveling

On our way to Maine via Rutland Vermont. I can't wait until we get to our cottage tomorrow.

Home from the hospital

I had my two stents replaced this morning around 10:30. I've had no pain as a result of the surgery. And I feel a lot better knowing they are now replaced and I don't have to worry about them. I took a long nap to let the anesthesia wear off and then I came home! Yay!

I only got sick once from the anesthesia which is great for me. A kind anesthesiologist gave me an ear patch for nausea and I am impressed by how well it worked.

The only challenge I am left with is pain when going to the bathroom. If any of you female readers have ever had a urinary tract infection, you know what I mean. For everyone else, imagine sitting naked on very sharp glass shards. That about sums it up. I hope pyridium works really fast!

All in all, the experience wasn't bad and was fairly relaxing. I didn't like missing two work days especially in a short week. Back to work tomorrow! Yay again! Another day in the hospital and I would've had to build a database or something!

Anyway, thank you for all of your prayers and concerns. I appreciate it all.

Today I am grateful for: being home, being virtually pain free, and for all of my friends.

From the hospital

I feel somewhat ridiculous for being here on the 8th floor of Lancaster General. I have a very nice room, and I've had good food all day. I feel fine. It was intense abdominal pain that brought me to the emergency room last night fearing appendicitis. After a myriad of tests, it was determined that the stent I have in my right ureter is blocked and my right kidney is swollen. Thank goodness it wasn't appendicitis. I didn't need anything else to add to my complex medical history.

I was due to have both of my stents removed or replaced this month anyway, and now that surgery will happen tomorrow at 11:00. They will be replaced since I will most likely have chemo again in August. Chemo is very hard on kidneys and ureters, the tubes connecting the kidneys to the bladder. I plan to go home tomorrow although my stay has been very relaxing.

Independence

Have you ever wondered why the Fourth of July is rarely referred to as Independence day? They have basically the same number of syllables so it isn't because it is easier to say. Even in December with all of the controversy over the word Christmas, we don't say, Happy Twenty Fifth of December!

I've been thinking a lot about freedom and independence. I have two teenagers and a son who is 20, so I've been well aware of independence issues for a while now. It is really fascinating to see the kids grow up and be more independent. I don't always like it, but nonetheless, it is fascinating. I feel, as a parent, that I am slowly opening the curtain for the kids to see and experience more of life.

And on the other side of the coin, I feel as though since I am now in my forties, that I am finally independent. Not that I wasn't in my twenties and thirties, but with young children and just starting with a career, there always seems to be a lot of limits. And that's why it is especially frustrating to find out that I will be back in chemo in August. I have a mindset, that I must change, that my life is on hold while in chemo treatment. I don't have to jam everything into July. I'll plan things into August and September. And I'll be strong enough to do whatever I want to do.


Today I am grateful for: my church, rain overnight, and sun during the day.

Neuropathy

Last weekend, Steve and I walked out onto our deck in bare feet.  The sun was hot that day, and Steve was shifting his weight back and forth from one foot to the other.  At first, I couldn't figure out what he was doing, then I realized and asked him if the deck was hot.  My feet couldn't feel it because they were numb on the bottom. 

A possible side effect of chemo is neuropathy which is a tingling feeling in your hands and feet.  It feels like your feet/hands were asleep and they are just waking up.  I have it in my feet and a little bit in my hands.  Most of the time, it doesn't bother me, but at night it can keep me awake.  I have to be careful of walking on uneven surfaces and going up and down steps.  And, I'm not supposed to wear heels.  Although now that I'm thinking about it, it may be a good time to try those super high heels that I like, but have been able to wear because they hurt my feet.  I wouldn't even feel it now.  Hmmmmm...

Hopefully, this annoying side effect will go away, and there are things I can do about it - like remember to take my B vitamins, and put Vicks Vapor Rub on my feet before I go to bed.  Of course, the smell keeps me awake at that point.

Today I am grateful for: freedom, sunny days, and Saturdays

Doctors and choices

I am fascinated by doctors' influences. 

While anxiously waiting for my scan results a little over a week ago, I was curious of what I would read on the oncologist's face when she walked in the door.  And, would she give away the results?  She was upbeat and cheerful and began a conversation about my recent trip versus telling me about the scan results immediately.  Last year, when I had a scan and the results were good, she told us right away.  So, I knew they weren't going to be what I wanted to hear.  They weren't terrible, and definitely could have been worse.  I've often wondered how a doctor's demeanor affects our thoughts about our own health.  Had she had a more negative expression and demeanor while talking about the results and next actions, I know I would have felt more apprehension.  I put a lot of faith into her recommendations.

This week I received a call from my urologist's office.  They left a message saying that I needed to call and make an appointment for next week.  I have two stents that need to be replaced via outpatient surgery prior to starting chemo again in August.  I dutifully called them back this morning and the only opening they had was next Friday at 4:00.  Well, that didn't suit me, and I wasn't going to be available the following week, so that left two weeks to meet with the doctor and have the surgery before the end of July.   I was annoyed so I said to the receptionist, "Look, I only have the month of July before I have to start chemo again, and I really don't want to be sitting in doctor's offices when we could accomplish the same objective over the phone."  I felt a little guilty afterward, but I realized that I have choices.   

Also this week, I received an email from the doctor who saw me in San Diego asking me how I was doing.  I was actually shocked to receive an email from her.  I responded to her with how my scan went and that I would probably start chemo in August again.  She suggested I try acupuncture while I have chemo.  Interestingly enough, a few days prior to receiving her email, I mentioned to some friends that I didn't want to try acupuncture.  Its the needles.  They scare me.  But after she suggested it, I am more open to it.  Maybe I'll look into it.  Then again, maybe not. 


Today I am grateful for:  beautiful weather, work, and my two dogs

Changes

Several years ago, I read a book that talked about the benefits of meditating.  I tried to incorporate it into a routine, and succeeded for a few months.  Last year, I started doing it again, but I was lucky if I could last five minutes a day.  I always felt like I wasn't doing it right.  I tried to clear my mind, and a thought would sneak in and I would dwell on it for a few moments until I realized that I needed to concentrate on breathing.  

Today, I meditate twice a day and have for 24 days which according to some people means that it is now a habit.  Most days, I can meditate for 30 minutes per session, but sometimes it is only for five minutes.  24 days ago, I was attending a program called Perfect Health at the Chopra Center near San Diego.  It was a fabulous week and I learned about Ayurveda Healing.  One of the tenets is meditation and I committed to doing it then.  They taught us to ignore any thoughts that came to mind, and to ignore distractions.  And, just be comfortable. 

Another aspect of Ayurveda is the way it teaches you to choose your food.  At every meal, you are to choose something from the six taste groups:  sweet, salty, bitter, sour, pungent, and astringent.  The point is so that you feel satisfied and aren't craving a missing taste.  I thought it made a lot of sense, and easily justifies my need for dessert.  Yay!  I'm not great about getting every taste at every meal, but I'm working on it.  I'm also working on the daily routines.  Get up early, eat lunch between 12 and 1, and dinner around 6.    Not easy. 

But, if I want to see changes in my health, I need to make changes.  And, stick to 'em. 


Today I was grateful for: my children's busy schedules and that they need me, clean laundry, and FileMaker databases.

Believing

Prior to 2011, I attracted the number one.  I always seemed to notice the clock when it was 1:11 or 11:11.  If I stayed in a hotel, the room number was something like 1011.  I would notice when the minister read from Chapter 11, verse 11.  Every Friday, I worked at a client's address that was 1111 and the zip code was 17011.  So when the calendar turned to 2011, I believed this would be my year.  I should have known that I was way off since on January 11, I had a surgery that made me sick for a month. 

Of course, I don't know what I believed would actually happen this year, but I was sure it would be something amazing.  Maybe I wasn't specific enough.  Tomorrow is June 30th.  We are halfway through the year.  And, the first half may have been a challenge, but I believe I will sail through the rest of the year and that I will be cancer-free by the end of the year. 

Today, I knew that I was close to being back to normal because I wished for a brief moment that I wasn't leaving for vacation in a week, and that I could stay and work.  And, I resolved to bring work with me.  I've always enjoyed going to work much more than my vacations.  But when I'm not feeling up to par, I feel a lot of pressure about working.  When I feel good, it is easy to believe that I am healthy.  And, when I tell myself every day that I am healthy, the belief gets stronger.  Its an interesting cycle.  I think I'll re-read the wonderful book, The Magic of Believing by Claude M. Bristol.   

Conversations

Today, I felt great and normal - whatever normal means - that it was easy to forget that I might have anything going on.  I went to work, accomplished a few things around the house, and stopped in to see my parents.  That's when my Aunt called.  When she discovered that I was there, she wanted to talk to me and see how my scan results turned out.  (She is about as far from Facebook as you can imagine.)  A well-meaning soul, she proceeded to talk to me about anyone and everyone that has ever had cancer.  In fact, I swear she made up a few.  It may sound hypocritical, but I just didn't really want to hear it.  I felt so helpless.  After we hung up, that's all I thought about. 

It is so easy to allow your thoughts to veer off-track.  And, as I constantly work on keeping my thoughts on a positve track, I am careful what I find myself listening to.  I purposely don't watch tv and I especially avoid the news.  During the conversation I did find out about a distant cousin of mine (a six year old boy) who has a brain tumor, and has for a long time.  I've never met him, but something is telling me that I should try to meet him.  I'm curious what goes through his mind on a daily basis.  Is he ever able to shut it out?  Or do the adults around him keep reminding him unintentionally?

 

Touched

I am truly touched by the sheer volume of people out there who care about me.  It is very humbling.  I appreciate each and every one.  I am grateful for the prayers and the positive vibes. 

So, today I tried to call a foot reflexologist, and didn't get anywhere.  I left a message.  If anyone knows someone personally, please let me know.  I also got the name of  a nutritionist so that I can gain some weight without being tempted to eat all donuts and Reese's Peanut Butter cups.  I'm secretly hoping that I can find someone who is willing to come to my house and cook for me and my family every night.  Oh, and that insurance will pay for it. 

All in all, a great normal day.  Go to work, come home, eat dinner, have a nice evening and go to bed.  Aahhh - very nice.  

Sunday June 26

I'm trying to explore new methods of healing and when I went to California a few weeks ago, I learned about chokras.  I discovered that my Sacral chokra is out of whack.  There are various things you can do to help get your chokra back into balance. balance? alignment? um I'm not sure what the word is supposed to be - back into whack?  Whatever...  so I've been more in tune to the color orange which is the color vibration for that particular chokra.  I'm looking for an orange glass water bottle.   

And, last night I even said the chant “Vam” for the Sacral chokra.  Well, i didn't say the chant, I chanted the chant.  I think I did anyway.  I'm not totally sure how a chant is supposed to sound.  I did it for about ten minutes when I was in the car by myself.  I felt utterly ridiculous.  Oh well- if it works, it’s all good.

Thanks for the ideas everyone!  I appreciate getting them.  Keep 'em coming!  I will kick this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Day 3 after scan results

It is starting out as a nice day.  Saturdays often invoke upbeat feelings for me.  Especially sunny summer ones.  It is three days since I found out the results of my CT scan.  What a roller coaster week!  The cancer isn't gone, but the tumors are less numerous, and they have reduced in size.  So the second horrible five months of chemo that I just went through is working, but apparently I need more horrible months of chemo.  Okay, I know that I should be thankful that it works.  And, it is better than being told that there's nothing more they can do.  BUT - I really didn't want to go through more chemo.  The doctor is reducing my dosage slightly so that I don't have to have three days of infusion per treatment, just two.  And, she is changing the drug so that I won't be sick constantly and I won't have such strong neuropathy.  And, I won't have to have three days of IV fluids after each week of treatment.  So those are all good things.  And, I don't have to start it up again until August. 
   That means in July, I plan to explore alternative methods.  If anyone knows of anything (that isn't painful) please let me know.  I'm already working on Ayurvedic healing and I plan to visit a Reiki master.  We'll see how all of this goes.